05.02
I mentioned a while ago that there were a couple of movies that I didn’t own, but really should add to my collection. I have since picked up the Terminator and Die Hard movies, knocking a few from that list since I made that post. And recently, I found myself with a $50 Amazon gift card, and no clue what to get, so I did the only reasonable thing. I picked up soft core porn, and knocked another from the list…
NSFW TRAILER
Having seen a few other movies from Seduction Cinemas, and finding Lord of the G-Strings to be quite funny, I had semi-high hopes for Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet. Unfortunately however, these hopes were crushed barely five minutes into the movie.
I’ll start off by saying that most of the girls were gorgeous. These are girls that you want to see naked and rubbing each other. After the girls however, you are left with pretty much nothing. If this was just a hardcore porno, then that would be the end of it. I would say its full of hot girls having sex with each other, and the review would be over. But this one is also some kind of dinosaur sci-fi movie, plus, it’s also softcore, so there has to be something to make up for the lack of hardcore sex, right?
The plot of this one revolves around two space traveling lesbian scientists who travel back in time to view the habits of the prehistoric lesbians of earth. There are so many angles they could have taken this one. Do they crash and get attacked by the lesbians? Do they bring a cave lesbian back to the future? Do the help defend the lesbian land against invading men?
They do none of this. Instead they sit in orbit and watch the the lesbians have sex. Now, they do this while getting more and more undressed and having sex with each other, so at least there is that.
Meanwhile, on the surface, the girls find a wandering lone lesbian to bring into their clan. They do this by having sex with her. Awesome right? Well, it would be, if they could make more sounds than “ook”, “oog”, and other simple caveman noises. It really kills any mode that they may be trying to create by having sexy women get naked and make out with each other. They took a really beautiful thing, and made it more annoying than Geico Commercials.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. It’s a porno, why am I looking for a plot. Why should I worry about the acting and script. But I will come right back and remind you that this movie came from the same people that did Lord of the G-Strings and Spiderbabe, which, while not the greatest movies, had a plot that kept things going, featured acting equivalent with other low budget movies, and also featured the softcore sex that we had come to know and love on late night Cinemax. In fact, it came out after these other two movies, not before, so you can’t even say that this was a first try at making a movie.
It’s not really a movie that you can put in for a hilarious interlude on movie night. It’s not really a movie that you can put in for a romantic night with your lady. It’s not even really something that you can put in for a quick wank, unless you put it on mute…
I’d give it one star, maybe one and a half, because some of these girls are really quite beautiful, and they do get quite naked on camera.