02.06
Zombie Wars: It’s the future, many years after the zombie apocalypse. Humanity has been scattered into roving warrior tribes and zombies have taken up agriculture. It could have been a good movie, but there are two major flaws. First, if you are going to have a warrior culture that trails from birth to be zombie killing machines, then they should know how to hold a gun. Even if your budget doesn’t include actual training, at least make your actors rent Blackhawk Down or Saving Private Ryan or something. Second major flaw would be the zombies, if you are going to have the zombies be intelligent enough to run a farm, they actually have to be intelligent. They can’t just shamble around and grunt. The one line that you added of “Somehow they know what these grunts mean” doesn’t cut it. It’s lazy writing. Otherwise, I could forgive the bad acting and cheesy lines as a low budget zombie movie. The story really falls apart once you figure out that this zombie farm, where they raise humans from birth to be food, is run by maybe twenty grunting zombies, and has been running for what they make out to be several generations, while multiple camps of fully armed and trained warriors wandered around doing nothing. Any of these camps could have sent in three guys with rifles to clean it up and been done with it. Worth watching if you are bored, 2 1/2 stars.
American Psycho 2: Did you see American Psycho? It was pretty good, and it had an ending that left you wondering what really happened in the movie. Well, American Psycho is nothing like the first one. In fact, by making a sequel, they actually have to ruin the ending of the original. This movie would have been a lot better had they called it something else. The only thing that even remotely attaches this movie to the first is that they use the name Patrick Bateman, so if you turn on your brain filters to change that name to something else, the movie becomes watchable. The movie stars William Fucking Shatner as a professor who runs the most sought after class on Serial Killers. Every year he chooses a new TA, and this TA generally gets accepted into the FBI training class a Quantico after graduation. Mila Kunis plays Rachael, who is basically her character from That 70′s Show, who really wants to join the FBI. Wants to join it so much that she’ll do anything, including kill the competition. I kept waiting for a twist or something to happen, and there was on in the end. However this twist wasn’t really like the ending of the first movie. It’s an interesting twist, but if falls apart once you start asking questions. For instance, if the cops were called once because a victim went missing, but were tricked into thinking nothing was wrong, wouldn’t they be called again when the girl is still missing? Wouldn’t the friends of this girl not fall for this trick? I give this one 3 stars. It loses one star for the attempt to make it a sequel to American Psycho, but it gains one star for the way Mila Kunis’s ass looks in those jogging pants. In fact, worth watching just for the jogging scene. Damn that girl is hot.
Undead: It’s a zombie movie. But then suddenly it’s an alien movie. And then it’s a zombie movie again. Would have been much much better had they just stuck with one genre. The alien part seems like it was added just because they didn’t know what to do with the zombies after the outbreak. 3 stars as a zombie movie, it loses stars when the aliens arrive however…
The Samurai Princess: If you like crazy Japanese movies, you’ll like this one. Like Machine Girl or Tokyo Gore Police, it features some attractive Japanese ladies who create oceans of blood. In this one, an android is created with the souls of 11 slain girls who must hunt down and kill other androids. Every part of this girl turns into a weapon, including her boobs. I’m not kidding, her boobs detach a become some kind of boob grenade, which is used to take people’s heads off. You don’t really need to have more said about this movie do you? I just said that there is a boob grenade. 4 stars.