Xaotik Designs

We Are Movie Geeks points out today that a certian movie has reached #1 of IMDB’s Bottom 100 Movie list.  That movie:

Pocket Ninjas

This really is a horrible movie.  And I’m glad to say that I have owned the DVD for several years now.  This movie is so bad, that the threat of playing it can make my friends cower with fear.

To understand this movie is to understand madness.  First, the DVD case, see those three ninjas on the front?  Three Asian kids with household cleaning products preparing to fight evil.  Well, it has nothing to do with the movie.  Instead, the movie features a variety of ninjas and crime lords.  It’s a little difficult to explain, mainly because it doesn’t make sense…

There seems to be three semi related stories told in this movie.  First, you have the story of three American teens who like comic books and take karate classes.  Second is the story of the White Dragon, who happens to be their Karate instructor, and his fight against Cobra Khan.  This also seems to be the comic book that they are reading too.  Third is the story follows that of the kids in the tree house being trained to be ninjas by the White Dragon.  These stories all intermix seemingly at random, so you are never sure what the movies is really about.

The story is jumbled together, and it can be difficult to actually pick up the story on the first time through.  To save you the trouble of watching this film multiple times, I’ll go ahead and tell you what happens.  If one were to string the story out linearly, it would flow something like this:

The White Dragon is fighting Cobra Khan.  Please not the fight scenes are laughable at best, as viewed by this video:

At some point, he decides to open a dojo and teach karate.

Three kids join his school and become great students.

The kids read a comic book about the White Dragon and all speculate his true identity.

The White Dragon is wounded fighting Cobra Khan, the kids find him fixing his bandages in the dojo.

The White Dragon teaches the kids the way of the ninja, and they all become dragons as well.

The kids now fight Cubby Khan, Cobra Khan is completely forgotten, even though just moments ago White Dragon was wounded in a fight with him.

Cubby Khan is played by Rick Rubago, who appears to be 12 years old, and also a ninja master.  This is in contrast to Cobra Khan, who is played by Robert Z’dar, who would be believable as a villian.  Why, his chin alone would have made a better villain than Rick Rubago, seriously, look at this thing.

Anyways, between the nonsensical fight scenes and jumbled stories are various awful montages.  Roughly half the movie features training montages.  And they aren’t even good montages.  They feature highly repetitive scenes of the kids training, or the villains training.  It’s almost as thought they realized that they didnt’ have an entire movie, so they just shot some scenes and then repeated them over and over again to crappy music.

And speaking of awful, you should see the acting.  Or rather, hear the acting.  Hearing a conversation between any two actors is painful.  It’s almost as thought the actors are reading their lines off a white board, and they are waiting for each line to be written and wiped off.

If there was ever a movie that deserves to be on the bottom 100 list, it is this on.  Bad acting, no production value what so ever, a horrible story, and editing that appears to have been done by some one on drugs.  If I could have rated this movie less than one star, I would have.  You can get it on Amazon for only $.50, so if you are feeling brave you can buy it, but don’t say I didn’t warn you…